Weekend at Dumbledore's
by I am not a number 26
Summary: Harry and his friends are starting their sixth year at Hogwarts - but something goes wrong... (the title will make sense later)
1. The First Day

It was a fine morning. Harry awoke from his comfortable Hogwarts bed and pulled his covers off. His belly hurt a lot from the feast the day before. He arrived for his sixth year yesterday and it was time for his first day of classes.  
  
Harry wanted to talk to Ron. Ron hadn't sent him anything over the summer, because the Weasley family was very busy with the new arrivals. Three fraternal triplets. Arthur Weasely's virility combined with Molly's seemingly inhuman ability to push 'em out made for a chaotic family dynamic at best.  
  
Ron had slept the whole trip on the Hogwarts express. Apparently he had been enlisted by his mother to help raise the two girls, Alice and Lily,and the Boy, Percy 2. He had thus been missing a lot of sleep. It was during the feast that Ron had told Harry about it, but he didn't want to answer a lot of questions because his life had been filled with babies all summer.  
  
Either way, Ron didn't look like he was going to wake up any time soon, so Harry decided he was tired enough to miss breakfast and Harry got dressed himself and headed down to the Great Hall. There he saw Hermione, who was looking slightly less frizzy as usual. Harry suspected she had straightened her hair this morning. He wondered if it was by magic or muggle means.  
  
"Hmm. Not bad..." Harry thought to himself, looking at her appraisingly. Cho had been going out with some other Ravenclaw seventh year for almost eight months now, so Harry had since given up and allowed himself to look at other girls. Last year he went out with Parvati for about three days, but nothing really happened. She ended up dumping him for Dean Thomas, and true to the saying, hasn't "gone back."  
  
As soon as he sat down, Harry was greeted by almost everyone at the Gryffindor table. He was quite popular nowadays - he was captain of the quidditch team, not to mention having saved everyone's ass at least five times. Six, if you count the anal sex incident. Since January, however, Harry had put that behind himself (so to speak).  
  
"Hey harry! How's your morning?" Hermione said through a mouthful of waffle.  
  
"Not too bad. How's yours?" He responded, staring out the window at the slowly approaching cloud of feathers and parchment.  
  
"Better than yesterday!"  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"First day of classes!"  
  
Harry sighed. "Of course. What could be better?"  
  
The owls started swooping in through the open window. Harry looked for Hedwig as he continued his conversation with Hermione half-heartedly.  
  
"Oh, come on now," She said. "Don't you want to find out who our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is?" They both thought back to their last Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Greer, who severely overdosed on wizard cocaine and turned into a very high-strung hamster. Nobody really knew what happened to him after that, but Hermione wasn't very surprised when Crookshanks skipped breakfast the next morning.  
  
Hedwig plopped down next to Harry with a letter for him. Harry opened the letter and read exitedly as Hedwig started picking out of Harry's breakfast.  
  
The letter was from Sirius.  
  
"Dear Harry,  
  
That sure was one zany fifth year, eh? I was amazed at how it was incredibly eventful, dramatic, and novel-like, yet will have no lasting effect on the rest of your life. In regards to January, I apologize. NO one saw THAT coming.  
  
Love (but not THAT kind of love), Sirius"  
  
Harry closed the letter quickly, and incinerated it with a wave of his wand. No one else needed to know about THAT.  
  
"Oy, morning everyone." Ron stumbled into the Great Hall, looking terrible. His hair was mussed, His eyes were half-closed, and his robes were badly wrinkled. Just then, the bell rang, and everyone quickly ran past the entrance, pushing and nearly trampling the poor Weasley.  
  
"Come on, Ron!" Harry pushed him along with himself. Harry, Ron, and Hermione still shared most of their classes, although Hermione still took Arithmancy and Harry and Ron took Divination. "Come on! Our first class is..." He took a look at his schedule. "Ooh! We've got double Defense Against the Dark Arts with the Hufflepuffs!"  
  
Hermione piped in. "This year we'll be studying evil curses!"  
  
Ron turned his head, a quizzical expression on his face "Didn't we study those two years ago? We got them earlier than usual..."  
  
They walked into the classroom and a look of horror spread from one face to the next.  
  
"Take your seats," snapped Professor Snape. 


	2. One Surprise After Another

Snape looked different. His hair had grown even longer, and was pulled back into a ponytail, but the greasy sheen was gone. His robes were spotless, his posture elegant, and his wand was even polished.  
  
"I said take your seats, or it'll be the first five points from Gryffindor."  
  
The stunned sixth-years took their seats, a look of wonder and surprise on their faces.  
  
"For the two remaining years you will be in this school, I will be your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. You will obey my every word. You will follow my directions to beyond the best of your abilities, or you will find the consequences most dire. On top of whatever serious injury or death you suffer from your own incompetence, you will receive a harsh punishment from me." His eye repeatedly darted to Neville Longbottom during his short speech, and Neville turned a slight shade of red, sinking back into his seat.  
  
Hermione raised her hand.  
  
"Yes, miss Granger?"  
  
"Um, we've already studied evil curses. That was last year, and the year before! Do you - "  
  
"I am well aware of your meager progress. This year, we will be studying Necromancy."  
  
Harry's jaw dropped. At least one Hufflepuff in the back of the classroom screamed.  
  
"Necromancy is the darkest of dark arts. While curses can only go so far, Necromancy pushes that border beyond the brink of death. All humans, wizards and muggles, possess a life force that lingers on with a body long after the person himself has died. This life force can be manipulated by a wizard or witch of significant power, even opening up the possibility of returning the dead to what once resembled life. Does that sound intriguing to any of you?"  
  
A few students nodded, mystified with what they were being told.  
  
"IT SHOULD NOT INTRIGUE YOU. The promise of power lures hundreds of wizards and witches into practicing the dark arts, and even Necromancy - ESPECIALLY Necromancy, has lured many to an EARLY and WELL-DESERVED GRAVE.  
  
"You see, the power to control the lingering energy of the dead is just that - the power to control - and nothing more. Nothing can return the real person back to the true life, for the soul has departed. Vampires, mummies, zombies... all were created when someone tried to meddle with powers that were no meant to be meddled with. This year you will learn the basis behind these powers, and how to defend yourself against them..."  
  
The rest of the class passed quickly. They spent class time looking at charts of human anatomy, and skeletal structures, and Snape lectured them on the supposed "life force" of humans. By the end of class, Gryffindor was down thirty points, and Hufflepuff down fifteen. The sound of the ringing bell was almost overpowered by the loud sighs of relief from every person in the class.  
  
As Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked down the hallway, Ron wondered aloud "Why in the world Dumbledore do that? Snape was bad enough when he was teaching Potions, but now he's twice as strict!"  
  
"Yeah!" Hermione piped in. "And have you noticed that every time someone says all three of our names, they say it 'Harry, Ron, and Hermione'? What's the deal with that? Why not 'Hermione, Ron, and Harry?"  
  
Both boys looked at her funny.  
  
"...I'll go to Arithmancy now..." She walked away, looking at the ground.  
  
Harry and Ron's next class was Divination. They both would have dropped this class last year, if they hadn't started studying the mystical art of the "Magic Pipe". Harry and Ron both enjoyed using the Magic Pipe to tell their futures. They told their futures at least once or twice a day. Sometimes three or four if they were feeling particularly laid back, or if there was a party.  
  
Today, however, they were studying cloud formations and their meanings. The children lay on a flat section of the roof, looking up into the sky.  
  
"That one looks like a bear!"  
  
"That one looks like Batman (tm)!"  
  
"That one looks like Lavender! Naked!"  
  
"Fuck you!"  
  
"Children, Children..." Professor Trelawney interrupted their fun to show them a chart of what different clouds mean. "You see, cloud number seven has a distinct anvil shape, suggesting a tornado in the near future...  
  
Harry sighed and drifted off to sleep.  
  
The rest of the morning passed fairly uneventfully. At lunch, however, things started getting a bit weird... Everyone was eating happily, talking and getting ready to head to his or her next classes when Dumbledore interrupted.  
  
"Attention everyone, students and professors!" Dumbledore raised his goblet, and spoke to the entire Great Hall. "Attention! This school has been religiously biased for too long! I overheard a complaint in the hallway by one of our first year Ravenclaws, little Benjamin Meyer, that there was a Fat Friar, but no positive Hebrew role models. I have decided to rectify this immediately. This morning, I went out, found a Rabbi, brought him back here, and killed him! I introduce you all now to our new resident, the Fat Rabbi!"  
  
The Great Hall was silent. One Ravenclaw first-year started clapping wildly.  
  
"Where am I?" Asked a confused looking Rabbi ghost, sitting at the Ravenclaw table. 


	3. Quidditch Practice

Harry flew quickly to the right, dodging the Bludger that whizzed past his head. It swerved suddenly and flung itself right into Tyler's stomach.  
  
"Urrghh! What do you think you're doing, Emma? Trina?" Tyler managed to gasp out as the Bludger began flying in circles gleefully. Emma and Trina, the two beaters, sat on their broomsticks near the ground. At the sound of Tyler's voice, they both looked up and grabbed their paddles.  
  
"Scuse me?" Emma said.  
  
"Come on now, beaters," Harry said with a stern voice. "You two should always keep on those Bludgers. Think about who they're going to hit next. If you don't pay more attention, half of our team will be crippled!"  
  
"Oh, right. Haha, of course." Trina flew up and started flying after the happy little Bludger, attempting to bop it with her paddle.  
  
Harry looked over his whole team. First, the three chasers. Tyler, Sam, and Connor were passing the Quaffle between them as they circled the field. Harry turned to the two beaters, which were now batting a Bludger back and forth, allowing the other to go free and repeatedly hit a first-year that was walking past the stadium. Harry sighed, and looked to the three goal posts, and Laney the third-year that was flying around them, keeping her eye on the quaffle.  
  
Quidditch practice wasn't going very well lately. A miasma of laziness and childishness had seemed to spread about the school, and many kids simply weren't even going to classes anymore. Somehow the environment of the school had changed recently, even Dumbledore - especially Dumbledore - seemed to be acting strange.  
  
"Alright," Harry shouted to his team. "It's been long enough." The three hour practice was finally at an end, and Harry worried that no one on the team was any better than when they started. Fortunately, most of the other house teams were slacking off too, and even the Hufflepuffs had stopped working quite as hard. That could have been, however, because Hufflepuff hadn't seen a good quidditch player since Diggory died two years ago. Many still blamed Harry for this, but the suspicion had died down since the anal sex incident. Everything was so obvious all of a sudden that no more explanation was required.  
  
The team put away their broomsticks, and Harry decided to visit the Gryffindor common room. There he saw Ron sitting at the table, playing wizard chess with himself. He appeared to be winning.  
  
"Hey Ron. Would you like to head down to the Great Hall and see if we can find that cute Ravenclaw you saw earlier?"  
  
"Er..." Ron looked up at Harry, then down at his chessboard.  
  
"Oh come on now, not like you've got anything better to do."  
  
"Fair enough." They walked out of the portrait hole and were immediately greeted by Colin Creevey, in his purple leopard-print robes, a girl on each arm.  
  
"Wow," Harry thought. "He sure did get a lot more laid back ever since he got laid."  
  
"Hey hey, you two. H-... Harry, was it? And you. Rob, or something," Colin said to them, grinning a smile of gold. "How's life?"  
  
"I see you've, erm... Changed you image..." Ron said.  
  
"What happened to your photography?" Harry asked.  
  
Colin smiled. "Oh, i've been taking a different kind of pictures lately." He reached into his robes, and pulled out a polaroid and handed it to Ron. Ron looked at it.  
  
"GINNY!?!"  
  
"Is that what that red-haired bitch's name was? Yeah, she certainly lived up to what they say about Weasley girls."  
  
Ron stood there, staring at the picture, flabbergasted.  
  
"Weeeell, i guess i'll see the two of yous later. Right now i've gotta get these two fine bitches to their next customer. Dennis has been awfully lonely lately." And with that he strode into the common room, the two girls giggling. Harry couldn't help but notice that one of them was the cute Ravenclaw.  
  
"Er, come on Ron. I don't think we want to be anywhere near the common room right now. And stop looking at that!" Harry snatched the picture from Ron, but couldn't help but stare at it when he got a good look at it himself. "Wow, i didn't even know girls could bend that way! Especially with all three of those guys and the position they were in. Do you think -"  
  
"Shut up Harry."  
  
"Right." Harry sighed. "Damnit, why is it the fifth years all have more sex than we do?"  
  
"Speak for yourself, Quickdraw," Parvati said, strolling past them.  
  
"BUUUURN!" Malfoy said.  
  
Later that afternoon, Harry, Ron, and Hermione headed down to Hagrid's house to see how he was. The half-giant was brewing some tea, to which he added a large amount of alcohol, when he heard the knock on his door.  
  
"Well if it isn't 'Arry, Ron, and Hermione!" Hagrid said happily. Hermione's eyes narrowed.  
  
"We're okay, I suppose," Ron replied. "What's new?" Hagrid led them inside and showed them a large cage, containing a huge coiled Asian Dragon, its scales glowing with an eerie yellow glow. Its eyes burned with the fires of a thousand lifetimes, and it gave off an aroma of old parchment and ink.  
  
"What do you think, kids? We'll be studying him in Care of Magical Creatures this year! His name is The Grand Ultimate Ever-living Dragon of Eternal Wisdom, Happiness and Time. I call him Snaky!" Hagrid chuckled, and began drinking again. It was then that the dragon's large mouth opened, and his voice, the voice of grand mercy and power, flowed from his mouth eloquently.  
  
"Please let me out, children. If you set me free, I promise to grant you the secret of ultimate knowledge and power. I have lived for many eons, and the memories of a million lifetimes hide within my head. I have given up violence in favor of a perfect Nirvana, and I can awaken your lives to the bliss of eternal happiness. Strike down this foolish oaf and set me free, and your deepest desires shall be given to you! Your reward will be beyond your wildest dreams, and your consciousness, like mine, will spread to encompass the universe."  
  
"Good Snaky!" Harry petted the dragon through the bars of the cage.  
  
"Oh, god fucking damnit," the dragon said, rolling his eyes. 


	4. The Title Finally Makes Sense

Harry flew quickly to the right, dodging the Bludger that whizzed past his head. It swerved suddenly and flung itself right into Tyler's stomach.  
  
"Ooh, tough one there! The Bludger got Griffiths right in the stomach! The older Griffiths, Tyler, has been playing for the last two years, and his brother Connor started just this year! Now Connor has the Quaffle, he passes to Phelps, Phelps flies down the field, it looks like the Hufflepuff goal is empty... Phelps readies a shot and OWCH! He's punched in the back of the head by Charbonneau!" Lee Jordan shouted excitedly as the Game went on. He tended to go a bit too far, sometimes, but no one else really wanted the job that much.  
  
Katie Charbonneau, Hufflepuff keeper, watched Sam Phelps plummet toward the ground, and she cracked her knuckles. "Take that!" She shouted, and was about to fly the Quaffle down to the Gryffindor side of the field when Madame Hooch blew her whistle.  
  
"Penalty! Ten points to Gryffindor, Gryffindor possession!" She shouted, and Katie's eyes narrowed.  
  
"Bitch." She handed the ball to Connor Griffiths, whom had flown up to her, and held out his hands innocently. He then snickered and began to fly. Seamus Finnigan, in a huge Lion suit, pranced gaily about the stadium, shouting "Yaay Gryffindor! Goooooo Connor!" He was then hit by a Bludger. Repeatedly.  
  
"Awwwww, Seaaaamuuus!" Emma said.  
  
"Connor passes to Tyler, Tyler passes to Connor, Sam hits the ground with a sickening 'thud', Connor passes to Tyler, Ooh, Haegar knocks away a Bludger, It's headed for Leu, but Bycer knocks it back toward Gryffindor, It nearly misses Potter, Tyler throws, it passes Charbonneau, GOAAAAAAAALLLL!"  
  
Everyone in the crowd stood up and cheered.  
  
"Get back down there, bitch!" Lee shouted. Ginny kneeled back down. "Hindson with the Quaffle, She passes to Leu, Leu passes back to Hindson, Hin- HEY! Interception by Connor! Connor tosses the Quaffle, he misses! Wait - ... He loops around, Connor catches the Quaffle, he tosses it... GOAAAAAAAA. . . AA. . . AAAAAAA. . .AAAHHHHHH!" Lee announce-gasmed. Ginny stood back up with the rest of the Gryffindors, but did not open her mouth to cheer.  
  
Harry scanned the stadium with his eyes, but for some reason could not find the snitch anywhere. He was having a lot of difficulty concentrating, especially since from up here he had a really nice view of the announcer's box.  
  
"GOAAAAAAAALLLL! Gryffindor at thirty, Hufflepuff zero! Hufflepuff has the - no, wait. Interception by Tyler... GOAAAAAAAALLLL! Leu with the Quaffle, she shoots, but Hafter blocks! Tyler with the Quaffle... He flies to charbonneau... GOAAAAAAAALLLL! Gryffindor at fifty!"  
  
Harry began to relax. It was six minutes into the game, and already Gryffindor was up by fifty. They had Hufflepuff's points, times INFINITY. "We rock," he thought. "Hufflepuff totally sucks, to the max!"  
  
"GOAAAAAAAALLLL! Gryffindor sixty!" Lee shouted himself hoarse as Connor flew away from the goalpost, raising his fists triumphantly.  
  
Eight more minutes passed. Gryffindor was was at 170, and Hufflepuff at 30. Harry was flying lazily about, when a glint of gold caught his eye. He looked... There it was! The Snitch! He dove with his Firebolt. Brittany St. Gelais, the Hufflepuff seeker, caught him diving and started diving herself, going every bit as fast as harry on her hot pink Firebolt (tm), Lisa Frank edition. No one really knew how she ever afforded such an expensive broom, but many rumored that it had to do with the late Professor Greer.  
  
Harry flew toward the Snitch. He slooowly gained on it, and he inched just ahead of the Hufflepuff seeker. He reached closer... closer... closer... ooh, the Snitch was close! He streeetched out his hand, and with a quick snatching motion, he caught it!  
  
"POTTER CATCHES THE... wait... what's that?"  
  
Harry looked in his hand. This wasn't the snitch! It was just a flying ball of gold! Curses!  
  
"ST. GELAIS CATCHES THE SNITCH!" Lee screamed! "HUFFLEPUFF WINS BY TEN POINTS! HUFFLEPUFF WINS! SHIT!"  
  
Brittany flew in happy circles, higher and higher, then cheered loudly, holding the REAL snitch triumphantly in her hand.  
  
That evening, Harry sat in the Gryffindor common room crying. Life wasn't fair! HE was the best seeker, other people weren't supposed to win! Boo hoo! He continued to cry and think about how much he hated his life when Ron suddenly walked into the otherwise empty common room.  
  
"Blimey! There you are, Harry! You're missing the party!"  
  
Harry sniffed. "What party?"  
  
"All the Hufflepuffs are holding a huge party in their common room! It totally kicks dick! You have to go! There's all these Hufflesluts, and even I might get laid!"  
  
It suddenly sunk in to Harry just how amazing that really was. "Okay, *snif*, i'll go." Harry wiped his eyes with his robe and put his glasses back on. He followed Ron out of the portrait hole, and down the corridor, down the stairs, down the other corridor, up the stairs, past the third statue of a naked man on the right, and into the Hufflepuff common room. The door would normally be closed, but it appeared that everyone in the entire school was invited to this party.  
  
Inside was the most amazing thing Harry had ever seen. The room was huge, and streamers and other decorations were everywhere. Several dozen students were dancing to the techno music, and several others were in the corner, drugging up in various ways.  
  
Harry suddenly noticed that there was a ghost in front of him, but the ghost didn't look very familiar. He wore chains around his neck, and had a backwards baseball cap on. His shirt was dark red, with the words "FUCK THE WHITE MAN" eloquently printed on it.  
  
"Yo Yo Yo, word up Potter!" The ghost yelled, and only then did Harry recognize him.  
  
"Um, You're certainly looking... er... DIFFERENT, Fat Friar."  
  
"Hey Hey, don't call me that. i'm the PHAT FRIAR now! Now if you'll excuse me, i have to go smack up some bitches!" He flew off, rapping, and Harry stood there, bemused.  
  
"Oh, don't mind him," Ron said. "He's felt really threatened by the presence of another overweight religious ghost, and it's best to just humor him. He's going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. Hey, look! It's the Hufflesluts i told you about!" Ron pointed at a group of girls that were standing together, eyeing several boys at the party. Just then, one of them ran up to a guy, grabbed him by the crotch, and pulled him into the girl's room.  
  
"Ooh!" Harry said, excited. "I'm gonna go get me a piece of THAT!"  
  
He had taken not two steps before Malfoy grabbed him by the crotch, and pulled him into the girl's room.  
  
Just then, Headmaster Dumbledore burst in. Several students paled. The druggies hid the wizard coke, and Ginny nearly stopped sucking on Dennis Creevey.  
  
"Eyyyyyy! It's PARTAY TIME!" Dumbledore shouted. "Underagicus Liquoris!" With a swish of his wand, a huge keg of beer appeared in the center of the room.  
  
There was a moment of shocked silence, then cheers erupted everywhere.  
  
Harry burst out of the girls dormitories, breathing heavily. His robes were torn, and his glasses broken.  
  
The night passed in a drunken haze of insane revelry and lots of sex.  
  
The next morning (or, rather, the next day at around four in the afternoon), the students began to wake up. They groggily put their clothes back on, and some of then removed powder-covered wands from their noses. They all stood around for a few minutes, some of them talking about their midnight exploits. They all slowly recovered, then they noticed that one body had not awakened.  
  
Ron poked it nervously. "P... Professor Dumbledore? Are you okay?" He was greeted with silence. Ron fumbled for Dumbledore's neck, and checked his pulse. "OH MY GOD - DUMBLEDORE'S... DEAD!"  
  
Hermione wrapped a towel around herself and grabbed her wand. "Oh god! Oh God! Ohgodohgodohgod. When did he die?"  
  
"I... I don't know! Not like I was sleeping with him!" Ron replied. Quite a few eyes turned to Ginny.  
  
"Hey," She shrugged. "They don't call him the Head Master for nothing. Besides, he was alive when i fell asleep."  
  
"I'll get to the bottom of this!" Hermione said. "This charm will tell us exactly how long he's been... erm... dead." She pointed her wand at him, and chanted. "Chronologes Mortica!" A small wisp of red smoke twisted out of her wand, and sort of prodded the Headmaster's corpse. It then slowly twisted itself into words. Each and every child in the room gasped.  
  
7 MONTHS. 


End file.
